The Last Weekend in the Year of Firsts

Hi Mom

I’m sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written to you.  Trying to come up with something of substance has been difficult as not much has happened recently.

A few weeks ago we took the dogs camping not too far from the Torrance Barrens (where the designated “dark area” is) on Turtle Lake.  It took a bit for the dogs to get used to being in the canoes but once we were all out in open water they settled down.  It was a good weekend of lazing about next to the lake; JD even caught a fish within minutes of casting his line.  It made for a good snack to go along with our dehydrated dinners.  The bugs weren’t out in full force yet so that was good.  It was a bit chilly at night.  All of the dogs spent the nights lying on a wool blanket under our hammocks.  There were a few woofs at night, which more than likely scared any 800lb bear that may have chanced upon our camp.

Quite often, like during last year’s camping trips, I followed  your advice to just slow down and let everything sink in.  To enjoy the moment.  I was more able to do that this year as it’s almost been an entire year since you left us.  The pain is still there, but it has dulled a bit in a way.  I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten used it so much; it’s just a reality I have to deal with each day and the way I used to handle it wasn’t working.  I think most people when it’s their turn end up the same way, whether they think about it or not.  You just have to move on and do the best you can.  I still cry now and then; I’ll play your music box and it takes me back to lying next to you holding your hand.  I’ll think about how I sang to you “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” or the day we listened to  your meditation program and we were both in our “happy places”.

Life is all about trying to find a  happy place and learning to appreciate it because we can’t always exist there.  In the meantime, it’s a good plan to help others find theirs.

This coming Monday it will be a year.  Time won’t take me farther away from you– I won’t let it.  It’s not just making sure I hear your voice or remembering what you looked like- that’s simple.  It’s more about knowing how much you loved me made me the person that I am.  It’s knowing that you’re with me until the end of time.  It’s knowing that you were and ARE still my mom.   Even though you were taken from us much too soon we can all still go on because your strength impacted and became part of us.  Besides that, what else can we do?  Mope?

You want us to be happy, so we will be.

 

Love, Dave

PS-  I’m meeting a potential new little brother next Thursday- we’ll see how that goes.  Will let you know next time.

First Mother’s Day Without You

This is not the way
I wanted to spend this mother’s day.
It might very well have been a day that I didn’t see your face-
But there would have been the call, the sound of your voice.
How was your day? Where have you been lately and how are the dogs? How’s John?
It’s been awhile since you’ve sent me a painting, are you doing them anymore?
Ceramics class is the same as always, but I’ve got a new student. It’s fun to see them progress.
You have a real talent, I think everyone has one inside; you just have to choose to work on it
and I wish you would. You’ve got so much to say.

Thanks, mom, but this call is about you-
Happy mother’s day!

This is our first one without you and I won’t get to make that call.
But I still sit and think about you; sometimes the dogs will join me on the couch.
Who knows, maybe they’re thinking about you, too.
This Sunday I’ll take them out to the island on the lake, to the spot you want your ashes spread.
I’ll sit and watch them swim, and maybe throw a stick or two.
Some tears will come, but smiles will, too.
Because this day is about you, mom.
Happy mother’s day.
I love you.

Dave

About a year since the dance…

Hi Mom

 

It’s been about a year since we did the mother/son dance…one day I’ll play the video at my actual wedding.  I don’t know where the time has gone but I think of you every hour of every day.

Just a note to let you know I’m doing as well as can be expected.  The big brother program hasn’t worked out as yet; I have to withdraw from my match with Spencer as he has not tried.  I’m too old to pick up the slack on the lack of discipline his own mother has instilled in him.  Basically, he is attempting to use me as a taxi cab, gift giver, and food provider 😛   Maybe I’ll get another match, I dunno.  Today is the day they call his family to tell them the bad news.

I gave it my best shot.

Dad is coming up for Easter weekend and will hopefully stay for a few weeks.  It will be good for the both of us.  He’ll be going on west to see Mitch graduate in June.  Everyone there wishes you could be there…but a big reason Mitch turned out the way he did is due to how awesome of a grandmother you were to him.  That goes without saying.

More later.

Love-

Dave

Trying to rebuild

Hi Mom

I can’t believe how much time has passed since you left.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking that the more that time goes by the farther away you get.  I can’t let that happen; I’ll hear you say “hi, Dave” or try to recall any number conversation we’ve had just to in some way hear your voice.  I still get angry for you that you’re gone.  But, I’m trying to rebuild some sense of normalcy.

Over this past weekend John, Dave and I worked together to restore the office in the garage and turn it into a painting studio.  I hung up paintings that Uncle Albert did, some that I did, and photos of Rich-Mar and one from Kenneth.   Your painting of the beach I’ll leave in the guest bedroom, because that’s where you put it.   John hung an old computer monitor up above the easel so I can follow along with some painting tutorials- I think you’d be proud, and I wish you could be here to see it.  I think we’d have a lot of fun painting together out there.  I know Pat is anxious to see it (she moves out in a week).

John has been getting amped up for camping this summer- buying lots of gear and upgrading older stuff.  I probably won’t go as often as he does but when I do it will be nice to turn off from civilization and just, as you once said, “live in the moment”.  I tear up just writing this part because shortly after you left on the two camping trips we did I closed my eyes several times in my kayak and just listened to the sounds.  These moments pass quickly and I need to slow down to enjoy them.

Dad didn’t end up going to NZ after all.  He had some dizzy spells and spent a night in the hospital.  This happened a few days later and after dozens of tests they couldn’t find anything wrong.  He’s scheduled a nuclear stress test for a week or two from now.  I know he’s disappointed but maybe in the future he can go with me when my time comes.

Hokie is starting to show her age more-  having a harder time getting up if she’s been lying down a long time.  I give her a baby aspirin every other day which seems to help some.  So far she’s still pretty good on her long walks in the deep snow at the trail.  She’s a hero!…and she’s staring at me now looking for another treat.  Ha.

I took the little brother sledding a few weekends ago; didn’t turn out to be his thing.  His mother also didn’t send him outside dressed very warmly.  I think she must have missed that day in mom school!  If i dressed the way he did you’d give me a hard time at age 50, let alone age 10, and rightly so!

I wish there was a way I could know you were reading this somehow, but I know I probably never will find out…but I’ll keep going.

I love you so much.

 

Dave

Dear Mom- The sounds of silence

Hi Mom-

I guess you know by now Dad has decided to go to New Zealand.  Karen and I were naturally upset; myself primarily because the news came all in one email.  One, he met someone, two, they were going on this trip, and three, the tickets were purchased already.  We thought about how you wanted to go and how dad would poo-poo the idea because he hated long trips….and now it was perfectly fine?  Karen took it harder than me but we both know her and dad’s past.   She shot back a terse email to him and it didn’t go over well with him.  Whereas in the past he would normally have retreated and cut off communication this time he wrote back apologetically and told me later it hit him like a ton of bricks.  I did the best I could to talk him down and let him know that there is no point in “punishing” each other over this.  We all want each other to be happy; we just all wish you were still here.  This void is almost deafening.  There are a million questions I want to ask you but I can only imagine your answers.

The little brother thing is going ok, I guess.  Last week we played video games at home.  I had to tell him a few times that he can’t just depend on me for meals, because that’s not my job.  Also, he wanted me to buy some add-on pack for a game that was going to cost $15…I said no about a dozen times, saying we had a bunch of games already and those would have to be enough.  He’s ten years old, and this sort of relationship is not something I’m used to.  The old me probably would have given up by now or withdrawn enough to make him wonder what was going on.  I decided early on in this arrangement that I was going to stand my ground and if nothing else, teach this kid some manners.  I’m not his taxi-cab driver, his free-meal provider, or just some guy to have a good time with.  My aim is to make him a better person through example.  That involves conversation.

My other younger friend decided to join the Navy recently.  John voiced his concern early on to him- his great distaste for the military in general, and hasn’t heard from him since.  I recently asked him what kind of job he wanted to perform in the military, and he said aviation mechanic.  My sense of humor being what it is, I decided to send  him a few animations of planes crashing.  Light-hearted ribbing I thought, but it didn’t sit well with him.  I’m kinda getting the silent treatment on that one.  Wow, such thin skin!  But hey, I was young once, and I took similar or less much harder.   I’ll give him time, and if this is the end of it, so be it.  I am pretty sure I’ve been a good friend to him.  It’s up to him to accept that or not.

In lighter news I’ve decided to replace that giant painting in our living room of the flowers with one of my own.  That rock where we spread your ashes was pretty beautiful- with the ocean behind it.  I hope you’ll be proud of what I come up with.

We’re coming up on eight months since you left.  The time doesn’t erase how close you remain to me.  You’re still in my heart and you’ll remain there until the day I die.

Love

Dave

Dear Mom– 7 months

Hi Mom-

It’s been a rough go of late.  I’m having a hard time “moving on” as they say, and couple that with my never-ending battle with trying to be miserable.  I don’t know why I always seem to wreck every social situation I get into, or try to make myself the center of attention through drama.  John is at his wit’s end and I’m straining my relationship with JD and David.  I know I need to expand my social circle but I find it so intimidating to meet new people and form some kind of connection with them.  I’m in constant fear of being ghosted, as it’s happened a few times in the last few years.  Maybe it’s because I’m so challenging to be around?  I remember that short walk we took in Sedona where I broke down crying to you; embarrassed of my battle with this depression and afraid of how you would take on the worry.

Yesterday dad wrote Karen and I an email about a new friend he made and how he and you had discussed his life after you would be gone.  He said you encouraged him to be happy and not to abstain from making new companions.  While I have no real problem with that (aside from if she starts taking our family photos off your walls), what really troubled me was his cavalier statement of  “here are my travel arrangements to New Zealand…I’m going with this woman, and we’re going for a month.”

I know you always wanted to go there and dad’s complaint was not wanting to travel so far, etc…but now it’s ok?  He also knew that that was a trip I wanted to make as a family- a pilgrimage, kind of.  I wanted to “meet you there” at that tree.  Maybe my way of having some sort of closure?  But now he quickly dismissed that as unimportant- going to this place for a month with a woman I’ve never met, a woman who is NOT YOU.  But you know how dad gets with any sort of conflict- he retreats into his anger and shuts everyone out.  I should know, because I’m very similar.  It’s probably best if I don’t reply to this email of his or bring it up in conversation because at the moment I only have negative things to say (as does Karen).

I know you want us all to live out productive, happy lives.  I’m still very heartbroken that you’re gone and this whole thing just adds to that.  I hope that when Dad is gone that somehow Karen and I maintain some sort of connection.  Our relationship has always been tenuous at best.  In the past I’ve always felt I had to tiptoe around her to not set off her temper (remember the outer banks vacation in 2007?)  I often question, is it worth it?  There must be some common ground we can grow a relationship from, outside of just being blood.  I will keep trying, not just to honor you, not just to avoid being alone, but because I believe there is something to try for.  I guess that didn’t come out so well but I think you know what I mean.

Christmas was very profound; we let you go at your favorite beach in Malibu.  I won’t describe my emotions, as I know you can pretty much make an accurate guess at that.  Dad returned to that spot the day before he went back home, and someone had drawn a heart in the sand where your ashes had been dropped.  Dylan texted me a photo of that, and it certainly brought a smile to my face.  In my own small way, I’d like to think that was you who did that.

I still miss you like crazy, as I’m sure I will for the rest of my life.

Love you like crazy-

Dave

Dear Mom- 6 months?

Hi Mom-

Today it’s been six months since you left us.  I know what you’re thinking- so what?  It’s just another day; why bother putting an anniversary to it?

Maybe it is just another day.  It goes on just like it always has.  I wake up, let the dogs out, feed them, go back to bed only to get up maybe an hour later.  Then watch the news while I eat breakfast, shake my head in disgust because Trump has done or said something stupid yet again.  Then it’s time for the dog walk- same loop we always do.  It’s almost time to open the store and on a lot of morning of late no one comes in until around lunchtime.  John, however, is always busy and being accosted by customers over his cell phone and in email.  That’s definitely part of the routine I’d like to see stop.  It’s certainly wearing thin on him but on the other hand there are people that would love to have that first world problem of “too much work”.

I guess you’re wondering what’s become of the big brother program.  Not much as of yet, unfortunately.  The little man has lots of family issues of his own (probably why his mother enrolled him into this).  His grandfather is dying of ALS, his grandmother just got diagnosed with lung cancer, and his father lives 2 hours away.  We were supposed to go bowling a few days ago but then the news dropped about his grandmother.  At this point I’m certainly in no rush; After experiencing what we all did this past year I’d rather he spends as much time with his family as he can.  As a 48 year old man I could barely compose myself to handle what happened to you;  As a 10 year old?  That’s got to be terrible.

His name is Spencer, by the way.  Hopefully I’ll have more to tell you soon.

I miss you like crazy, mom.  I can’t express that enough.  These days go by quickly, one after the other yet I cannot come to grips with how this makes any sense.  I can’t call you, or drive down and see you.  I can’t email you a picture of a painting I’ve done.  I can’t ask dad what you’re up to.  I can only see your face in my mind and hear your voice like a recording.  I have to imagine what you would say, or if you’d smile at something I said, or want to hug me because of something that went wrong, or if you were just happy that I was visiting.

I’m finding it difficult to move on from this.  “They” always say there comes a time to let go.  Why would I do that?  I need to speak your name and hear your voice.  People need to know how proud I am that you are my mother.  Not were, but ARE.

I know you won’t ever walk through the door of my house again, or go on a dog walk with me, or talk to me on the phone.  You’re forever in my heart and as corny as that may sound, it is as true as the sun rising tomorrow.

I will keep on crying and I’ll try to find a reason to smile now and then, forever knowing that one way or the other you’re with me.

Love-

Dave

I won’t agree to disagree-

Dear Mom-

I hesitate to post this on facebook because I don’t want to offend anyone (if you can’t say anything nice….etc., right?).  I’ve been sitting on this for a number of weeks now but I’ll post it here so I can at least reflect on it later in life.

No, I will not “agree to disagree”. Not with this.

DAVE BRAGG·FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2018

This was originally intended to go to one person…but rather than single him or her out I’ll just address this to anyone who voted for Trump and STILL can’t admit they made a mistake. Enjoy.

Dear (Trump voter who can’t admit they’re wrong):

I agree- There has been a lot of harsh vitriol on “both sides” since Trump go elected. There has been a lot of hateful rhetoric thrown back and forth, but I don’t “hate” anyone…until they hate me first. Actually, I find hate a strong word. I think most people are redeemable if they can make the tough choice of opening their minds to other ideas and are able to admit to being wrong about a concept, an action taken, a state of mind, or a choice made. The problem I see with most Trump voters now is they refuse to admit they were wrong about their choice. At all. No matter what happens, “Hillary would have been just as bad.. Obama was awful, and was just as bad.” Fuck you they were. That’s bullshit and you know it. Every day there is a new scandal and we’re at the point where we forget what happened five days ago. Remember when Obama got in shit for wearing a beige suit? Or when Bush 2nd said “Is our children learning?” Good times.

Unfortunately, society has become tribal; a team based sport if you will. I grew up in a place that was consumed by that headspace. Every day I went to school I heard the “N” word, heard people being called “faggot” behind their backs..things like that. I had to fly under the radar by playing sports. I just wanted to get through my teen years which is terrible because it should have been a time of happiness and growth, not fear. Invariably, these people voted republican. Not to say all republicans are hateful and bigoted but it’s safe to say the ones I went to school with or the ones in my community were raised to fear differences and they naturally acted out on them. They voted against their own self interests. Gay marriage, abortion, gun rights..things like that were used to gain their votes when the ultimate goal was to pad the pockets of the politicians and the business interests and lobbyists that stood to gain from republican enacted policies (an interesting read: “Deer Hunting With Jesus” speaks to this subject…why people voted against their own self interests).

I’ve heard people say recently that they miss the old republican party. I can see how one would say that. Trump is embarrassing anyone with any modicum of sensibility; his comments on that bus, his name calling, his disrespect for women, for his lack of social graces, etc. The list goes on and on. I for one, don’t miss any incarnation of the republican party, as it has existed in my lifetime. I’ve heard from local ministers how the gays were going to burn down society. I’ve heard from televangelists (one of which ran for President in the past) that I’m from a group that is responsible for God’s wrath– hurricanes and other natural disasters are his punishment for society’s growing acceptance of our “lifestyle choice”. I’ve seen them support sales of weapons to hostile nations (see Iran-Contra). I’ve seen social programs gutted and income tax “decreases” that only benefit the rich. Every republican president in my lifetime has been part of a 40 year plan to over-turn Roe V. Wade- blocking judicial appointments and packing courts with right-wing puppets, whether they’re qualified to mete out equal justice or not. Reagan avoided the AIDS epidemic because who cares about gay people, right? I could go on and on. It’s ironic, actually, that the most christian president in my lifetime, Jimmy Carter, is such an object of ridicule by the right.

This is not to say there aren’t bad people on the left. There certainly are. However, I’ve yet to witness such a wholesale change on our side as we’re witnessing on the right. The republican party, once dubbed the party of “family values”, isn’t even trying to hide their hypocrisy now. Trump has had 3 wives, all of them substantially younger than him. He has cheated on all of them. Things he says in public one day he denies the next. His side eats it up and has no problem with it. He mocked Senator Cruz’s wife’s appearance, alluded to his father being the one who killed Kennedy, and now they’re campaigning together (Update: the asshole won…so much for the Texas Way- defendin’ yer wife’s honor). Trumpers like a guy who doesn’t admit to mistakes or having any regrets. That’s absurd and that’s when I get upset and choose to condescend to people like this. I could choose to just ignore it; live in my own little world, throw my hands up in the air and say screw it; what can I do? To me that’s just emboldening them. If no one calls them out on their bullshit, what happens then? With all due respect, I’ll never buy the “both sides” (are equally bad choices) argument– whether it’s in regards to the protesters in Charlottesville, or the misguided equivalence given to Hillary Clinton’s and Trump’s lack of moral turpitude.

I don’t hate people so much as I hate the barriers people choose to surround themselves with. Disproven ideas, hypocrisy, lack of compassion… it’s got to stop. So….spare me the “Hillary would have been just as bad or worse” line. BULLSHIT. I will NOT agree to disagree on that one. (Since I wrote this a few weeks ago we’ve had the pipe bomber, the firing of Sessions the day after the election, lies told about the caravan, more attacks on our press….and on and on and on….)………And a day later, another mass shooting; this time in the town where my sister lives!

This is me. There is room for improvement for anyone, including myself, because an open mind has an infinite capacity. If you wish to remain closed-minded, have a nice life and don’t communicate with me. Thanks.

Dear Mom (since you’ve left)

It’s been nearly five months since you’ve left us.  I wish I could tell you that I’ve handled this like an adult but honestly I’ve been a wreck.  I came home from last Christmas when you first got diagnosed and immediately drank myself to a blackout.  It was all John could do to keep me from killing myself; falling down the stairs, on a coffee table, going outside into the cold- the list went on and on.  Between all of the visits home to see you before you left, I’d cry myself to sleep.  I’d eat too much., crappy food and otherwise.  I quit engaging in any hobbies or doing anything productive.  John did all of the household chores.  The only thing I stuck to was keeping the dogs entertained.  Dog walks, swims at the lake, or just lying with them on the couch.  A few times I drank and took sleeping pills and scared the hell out of John and my friends.  I just couldn’t fathom a reality without you, and I still can’t.  Nothing about this makes any sense.

So, no, I didn’t  handle this like an adult.  There are millions of people out there with worse situations.  They’ve lost their kids, or they died at a very young age or they never had much of a life to begin with.  You and dad gave us everything.  A roof over our heads, an education, tough love and just love period.   There were definitely tough times and I’m sure things that we all wish we could do over, because we’re human.  That said, I wouldn’t trade either of you for anyone else.

You said shortly before you left that I could still keep talking to you, so that’s why I’m doing this.  I’ve never been much for praying.  It’s much easier for me to gather my thoughts and put them down on paper (or in this case, a blog no one else will read).  You said that even though you wouldn’t be able to talk back to still talk to you, so here I am.    This is all very clumsy but nothing about me has ever been agile.  Maybe you’ll see this somehow, maybe you won’t.  I’ll do it anyway.

Since you left, I went up to North Bay to spend a weekend at JD’s.  We went for a hike alongside a waterfall that you would have enjoyed.  It’s probably good that the dogs didn’t come along; Hokie no doubt would have ended up in the water and might have been swept away.   On the way back down the trail there was this butterfly that seemed to  coax me into following it.  I’d walk and it would dance in front of me.  I’d stop and it would pause and flutter.  I wrote a poem later that day about the experience and I told myself that maybe that butterfly was you.  Every time I see one now I give it a simple “hello, mom”.  It makes me feel a bit better.

Since you left  John, JD and David have done their best to help me through this.  I know you were well aware that they are my favorite people and this whole experience would have been much more daunting without them.  Later in the summer, Joe, Angie, and their son Tyler came up for a long weekend.  They had also been very supportive through all of this.  Putting myself in their shoes I can’t understand how they put up with me for so long.  I could barely do it!   Tyler then stayed for about a month.  He was also very encouraging in his own right.  He barely knew me but treated me like family.  It was very cool that his parents had enough trust in me that they allowed him to stay for so long.  Apparently he went back home a “changed man”.

The connection he and I had led me to finally sign up for the Big Brother program.  After the interview and the background check and a few months of waiting, I’m finally being matched with a “little”.  I’m sure it will be as beneficial to me as I’m presuming it will be for the young man that I will be matched with.  This will give me a purpose and I’m going to do my best to be a good mentor to him.  I’ll tell you all about him once I finally meet him and we’ve done a few outings.

Today is Halloween, and it’s the 20th anniversary of my relationship with John.  Hard to believe!  I’m so very lucky that my life partner is the first person I’ve ever been with.  I was certain I’d be single for the rest of my life.  Always the introvert, I suppose, but good things can happen to anyone.

I’m flying home in a few days to visit Dad.  It will be the first time I’ve been in your house since the day you left.  I’m not sure how that will be but it will be good to see dad.  I did a painting for him; a rhino.  Maybe that will bring a smile to his face.

I miss you more than any words I can come up with.   I love you more than anything.

Until I write again-

 

Dave

Christmas 2014

The best present John and I could possibly get we already got.

Our buddy is kicking cancer’s ass and taking names; and he’s getting to spend Christmas with his family in better health than any of us could have hoped for.

Cheers, buddy!

Dave, John, Hokie and Dexter