This post will be a rather unorganized (which is all well and good because no one reads it…is thing on? Christ!) bit of stuff but it’s on my mind so here it goes.
I have had a number of friends distance themselves from me in the last while, but at the same time, I’ve been doing that myself for as long as I can remember. In college I was invited to come watch the NCAA championship and at the last minute, decide to stay in my dorm room and just lie there, ignoring all the phone calls from the people wondering where the hell I was. The more I did that, the fewer calls I got. People could come to mine and John’s apartment years ago, and just before they’d show up, I’d disappear into the bedroom leaving John to come up with some excuse as to why I wasn’t participating. The more I did that, the less frequent it was anyone else would come over. Back in 1982 I wasn’t a bad baseball player, and it was the day mom was to drive me to the annual “pitch, hit, and run” competition at Looper’s Field. I thought I had as good a chance as anyone else to win but I never found out; as mom circled into the parking lot and started to slow down I told her to forget it, lets just go home. She was rightfully angry, but probably more frustrated because she didn’t understand why I was being that way. Neither did I. Call me the king of bailing.
For one reason or another, and I can’t place the time or place when it all started, I just don’t have any confidence in myself nine days out of ten. On the tenth day, I figure I’m just lying to myself and stay home with the dogs.
I don’t think anyone truly enjoys sitting around feeling sorry for themselves; I really don’t but it seems it’s all I do with myself. I could blame it on being gay. I could blame it on my sister being Queen popularity all through school and me simply being “Karen’s brother”. I could say it’s because my parents set such high standards: My dad went to Vietnam twice, got a Ph.D., can speak 3 languages and to top that all off, can fix cars! My mother finished university in 3 years and retired a top level executive in her profession. I don’t know if I have anything to blame it on; I don’t know if it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain or just that I was born cynical and convinced that I shouldn’t try because I’d never amount to much, anyways.
I am always throwing in the towel, no matter the situation. And like I said, it’s costing me friends and could quite possibly cost me my relationship. It’s not a healthy to be always second-guess peoples’ motives or actions but I do it all the time. I can’t remember the last time I took a compliment and genuinely thought the person on the other end meant it.
I’m going to see a shrink in this, my 42nd year. The first thing I’m going to ask her is “is thing on?”