There Must Be More

I started off the day with an elderly couple stating they “didn’t want the computer they bought a month and half ago anymore”.  They had dropped it off the other day because things were running slowly; email wasn’t happening, solitaire took 83 seconds to open, et al.  Is “et al” even appropriate there?  Who knows.   After explaining I didn’t sell them the computer as a joke or to be an asshole, I said I wasn’t going to refund them, even if Sarah Palin managed to explain quantum physics in a paragraph or less.  It was a bad hard drive, I explain, and yes, it does happen from time to time.  It doesn’t mean I’m a serial rapist.

Our co-op student didn’t show up today; the past two days this week he was over an hour late.  I suppose he’s anxious to get on with his life, seeing as how he graduates from high school in three days and therefore his commitment to us as a co-op student doesn’t matter much.  It’s not like he’s going to fail.  Needless to say, today was extravagantly busy and John was out on service calls all day.  I walked an never-ending circle around the room, clicking here and there; removing viruses, scanning for bad sectors on a hard drive, installing windows.  I’m not curing cancer, or even hitting a game winning home run in the world series.  Here, buy some ink for $30 that I paid $24 for.  I’m a hero!  I paid $1 for this network cable, but for YOU, it’s  $6.99.

The other night we lost a softball game that we were leading 15-3 going into the last inning.  Our outfield turned into a group of Helen Keller wannabees and the circus was something to behold.  Not to exclude myself from the blame; afterall, I was selfish and continued to hit for the fences.  Three times I hit the ball to the left field fence, only to have their only decent player catch them all…once with the bases loaded.  Maybe if I had hit it on the ground a time or two one of their own Helen Kellers or Christopher Reeves (post horse accident) would have misplayed it and we would have won.

Years ago before I blew out my knee I wasn’t too bad a ballplayer.  Unfortunately it’s how I’ve gauged my worth in life.  I didn’t end up doing it as a career, so I was miserable.  As a kid listening to his heroes win games on the radio, I assumed it would be what I’d do for a living.  Hitting the game-winning world series home run; having 50,000 fans cheer you on.  I didn’t give myself a chance to be interested in anything else.  When I was 27, just before I moved to Canada, I struck out a guy who played A-ball for the Orioles.  Just another schmo who didn’t make it (although much further than me).  Why is that the highlight of my life?

I came home and threw the ball around for the dog, and then watched some television.  I woke up today and did the same, after doing the 500 calorie workout on the treadmill.  What for?  To prolong the inevitable?  So I can sell ink and hard drives for a longer period of time?  Hey, my cholesterol level is lower therefore I’ll be around long enough to sell you this amazing new usb flash drive! Won’t that be incredible.

When people say “there must be more”..what are they referring to?  I wish I knew, because I’d chase after it.  I run like shit now with this fucked up left knee of mine.  I have for the past 24 years.  But when I play ball, I run faster.  When the game is over, then what?  If I knew what I was chasing after, I would run harder.

I wish I had an idea.


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