There are so many things to wrap my head around this week it’s amazing I haven’t become an alcoholic or at the very least, ordered a full Dr. Phil boxset.
A man resembling a condescending Mr. Rogers has been telling me for the past five weeks that if we vote for anyone but him, small businesses will go bankrupt and our economy will continue to spiral out of control. And my god, one of his competitors was in a massage parlor that was raided! He must have wanted a happy ending. We all know that where one puts his penis could result in peril for all of us, or at the very least, delay the rapture for the holy amongst us. I’m sorry, Mr. Harper, but I wrote a paper in my Poly-Sci class in 1990 called “The Politics of Fear” that got an “A”. If your brand of rhetoric couldn’t fool me then, I’m not buying your shit now.
Last week I was supposed to care about a wedding between two “cousin fuckers” (Bill Maher) an ocean away from me. What kind of dress would Kate be wearing? Would Camilla’s hat please the queen? Nevermind that even 80% of the population of England didn’t care, what with their own economy sinking into the toilet; better make sure all the homeless are relocated so that the cameras don’t pick them up! And why did William and Harry both resemble hotel bellhops from a 1970’s Woody Allen film?
On the bright side, I did make $40 from the wedding; I burned the ceremony to dvd for one on my semi-elderly customers, who then proceeded to resell it to one of his more pseudo-er elderly friends. Probably someone at the awkward age of having his original VCR finally die, but at the same time too afraid to figure out how to use the PVR on his satellite receiver.
Yesterday we killed Bin Laden and now what was the face of our universal enemy has vanished. Who are we supposed to hate now? They also (a different “they”, but a “they” nonetheless) took a step closer to making Pope John Paul II a “saint”. To me that’s like giving your fattest cow on the ranch the best salt-lick for ignoring the wolves as they attack the other livestock. Draw your own conclusions but I think you know what I’m talking about.
I made the mistake of purchasing a few softballs and then BRINGING THEM INSIDE AND LETTING HOKIE SEE THEM. Ever since her first glance at said ball, she won’t rest until I’ve thrown one down the stairs at least 20 times.
With me it all boils down to Hokie and “what would she do?” Harper would never throw the ball for her but would instead fire the dog walker because the dog walker said the trails were unsafe (something about wolves or heavy traffic). She’d probably go greet Bin Laden in his compound, begging for some of his curry dish so lovingly made by one or all of his 7 wives there (remember, Hokie, the Seals are NOT your friends..run away!).. Hokie would most definitely have breached royal etiquette, if given the chance, and licked the queen’s shoes and then got between Kate and William, because she knows she smells better than Kate and deserves a better belly rub…then she would have sniffed out Harry’s pot in his bellhop’s costume’s inner pocket a mile away. That would have been a scene.
The neighbors behind us just listed their house at $349,000. Please god, please. I hope they get it. Our house is better than theirs.