Side Effects (Feb 25, 2011)

You’ve all seen those ads on tv that allegedly alleviate the symptoms of everything from depression, the pain caused by fibromyalgia, high cholesterol, diabetes, and the inability to have an erect penis for more than 30 seconds. The first 30 seconds of the commercial they are braging about the benefits of the drug; For the entire commercial you see actors walking on the beach, riding a bike, having a picnic with friends, etc. as if they are living in their own personal utopia. For the final 18 minutes of the commercial the narrator rattles off the side effects of the drug they are trying to sell with the verbal dexterity of an auctioneer who’s had 4 cups of coffee.

“With any medication, consult your physician before starting (insert drug name here). If you are pregnant or may become pregnant, this drug may be unsafe. May also cause drowsiness, depression (even the anti-depression drugs may cause depression!), suicidal thoughts (yikes!) or involuntary bowel-movements. Drophysixian may also cause irritability. Do not use Blosphystiphan while operating heavy machinery, or your wife’s breasts. May cause numbness in arms or legs. Some patients have lost vision while using Tristanamoxen, although this is not a common occurrence. Kidney and liver failure has been reported by patients overdosing on Blosphoxine, so please use as directed. Your eyes may fall out.”
“Your life will change with our product. Ask your doctor today!” Oh boy, I can’t wait!
If they only made a drug for what I go through at the computer store… sure, booze would relieve the stress, but that’s expensive and eventually my liver WOULD fail. At the very least, I would become even more irritable (when I ran out of booze). I could use Hokie; petting her, telling her she’s a good girl, etc. to lower my blood pressure; side effect would be she’d get spoiled and would constantly beg for even more attention. I could throw things against the wall, but customers would perceive me as a psychopath.
I could quit, but then I’d have no money. Everything has a @%@#g side effect.
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