Floyd the Barber Reborn (Feb 17, 2011)

As all three of you loyal followers of my blog know this has been the week of the spectator at our computer shop. John’s journey continues tomorrow as grumpy santa returns with computer in tow; seems his usb ports aren’t working in windows xp. Yesterday was my turn, albeit for a much shorter period of time.

This customer was probably equally as old; if he were food and he was dropped on the floor, the 3 second rule would have expired sometime during the Truman administration. Yet, somehow he is still being served. If any of you remember Floyd Lawson, the barber from “The Andy Griffith Show”, you’d remember how he prattled on about nothing in particular and was easily diverted off into a tangential conversation that was completely one-sided. That is, he could start off making a few comments about Gomer Pyle and a few minutes later be talking to himself about how he’s out of Aunt Bee’s pickles, and how good they were because she used just the right touch of pepper and a special kind of vinegar, and wow those jars she uses reminds him of the only time he left the state of North Carolina and went to Nashville and boy do they ever make grits like his mother used to make and…
I’ll call this guy Mr. Droner, mainly because “Mr. Makesmyearsbleed” is a bit harsh. The project he wished to bestow upon me is the conversion of tiny video clips. Tiny, tiny video clips. Lots of them. It’s like the guy pushed record, let it tape for 3 seconds, and in an effort to not waste the 20 hours remaining of available recording time on his hard drive-based camcorder, hit the stop button. “Oh look! Something shiny.. Record! Stop!” In a case of unsurpassed convenience he also managed to duplicate each file 2 or 3 times.
His explanation of said project went something like this: “I tell ya I’m not real computer literate, I’m just trying to convert these clips so that my daughter in Hawaii can see these videos on her dvd player and not just on her computer, the weather out there is really lovely, you know, see most of these videos are on the beach and I’ve watched them all, hey you suppose cd-rs or dvd-rs are better for this, or is plus R or minus R better that sure is confusing I don’t know what the difference is, do you, doesn’t make any sense to me, see I tried this but it said I didn’t have enough room so think you could do this before you close in two hours?”
The man talks like Justin Bieber’s fans write…without any punctuation whatsoever. By this time I’ve already cracked every knuckle on both hands and have moved on to my feet. Before my blood pressure reaches critical mass I reach down and start petting Hokie, then I make a circle around to the other side of the table to feign concern in other computers that I’m working on (they are scanning for viruses and need no input from me, but it’s a distraction nonetheless). After I’ve told him 5 times that I’d call him when the project was all done, he saunters over to John who is in mid-conversation with Kevin, a friend of ours who has a repair business of his own. Oblivious to the fact that they are engaged in conversation, Mr. Droner interrupts and asks for their opinion on the best way to proceed with the project. Kevin makes a run for it to the bathroom and John is saved by a phone call. “At the tone, the time will be….”
We’re on attempt number 3 on the project; John is using his much-less girly-manish computer to try and render this monstrosity of a video (over 8 gbs of material). Our futile perseverance is only rivaled by this guy’s ability to not know when to shut the @#%@ up.
The only question is who will break first.
I hope he chokes on one of Aunt Bee’s 50 year old pickles….after he pays us.
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